Chapter 1
Introduction: The moral Imperative

Conscience, moral development, empathy, compassion, ethical behavior, social awareness, honesty, kindness, fairness, loyalty, character, courtesy, generosity, sensitivity, sincerity, selflessness, and reliability — these are among the many terms we consider to be positive human attributes.

Yet, the apparent decline of these qualities in many children and adults of today is of increasing concern to parents, educators and political leaders. Current headlines such as: "Toddlers increasingly Violent" (University of Connecticut study, May, 2001);"Bully Epidemic," (many sources), "Mean Girls" (N.Y.Times, Sunday Magazine, 2002); and more extremely "School Massacres" and "Teen Suicide" (too many to list) and others are on the increase, and this is no accident. In fact, more students have been killed in schools in the last five years than all the years before Columbine combined (source, Dateline 4/18/04).

Today's society has presented our children with scary role models everywhere, and often little direction toward social morality. Children are bombarded from the earliest ages with images of society and form opinions, often stereotypes, based on what they see and hear.

Particularly from the ages of two to seven, children start to form their attitudes, religion, opinions, values, and along with those, prejudices regarding those with differing attitudes, sexual orientation, religion and opinions. What they see, what they hear, what they experience and how those around them react all help form these impressions.

The adults in a child's life — parents, teachers, clergy and even neighbors and local merchants and social servants— are all role models as children start to form attitudes about the world. As has been often said, "It takes a village."

But, if you are reading this book, you are also concerned about discipline. You also may have many notions about the meaning of the word. Originally the word "discipline" meant a course of study, or to teach. A disciple is a learner. You wish to help change your child's misbehaving ways and teach him right from wrong.

But, it also helps to think of discipline as love. So often parents think of discipline as a punitive action, one that deprives or hurts the child so that he will not repeat a behavior. But, in fact, a child who is increasingly misbehaving is saying, "Prove to me that you love and care for me." Children instinctively know that if you do not protect them from themselves when they are doing something which could harm them, then you do not care for their well being. They will increase the dangerous, wrong or harmful behavior that opposes survival until they self-destruct or are stopped by someone who cares. The fact that this happens demonstrates not only that discipline provides the love children seek as they grow, but also that they cannot grow without it. Even tiny babies with no true thinking skills will instinctively die if they are not held, cuddled and made to feel loved. It is built into us as a species. (see "A Word About Babies and Conscience" Chapter 5, Step One).

So, as you remember your love and goals for your children, remember that discipline is a big part of it, and the manner in which you provide discipline can demonstrate love or the lack of it, even if unintentional. Physical and verbal abuse, neglect, and even overindulgence of material goods do not provide discipline, and therefore do not provide love. Without your love and discipline, your child will not value himself or others, and will not develop into the kind of person who can live in communities.

In this new and sometimes frightening century, we find many people globally and at home who threaten our communities. It wasn't so long ago that the horrific headlines were restricted to adults or near adults — gang activities, disgruntled employees, political activists, and the occasional deranged serial killer. Often these disturbed adults would take their own lives after their actions. Few who survived escaped legal prosecution, but the suicides indicated that in some sense their morality was still operating, at least to the extent that they could not live with what they had done, and thus provided their own brand of justice.

Lately, however, we have witnessed terrifying events throughout this country involving senseless and random brutality by children, youth, and adults. In addition, our children are bombarded with images of scantily clad or satanically styled preteens on talk shows defying their parent's wishes to do otherwise. They see the twenty- and thirty-year-olds exhibiting depravity on even more outrageous shows and, perhaps, think that it is appropriate adult behavior. It is difficult not to ponder what the effects of such exposure will be on today's children.

So, when your toddler has a huge tantrum, your eight year old begins to swear, or your preteen defies your wishes and values, it is scary to realize that so many others had input into their upbringing. It is even more frightening to realize that your child might become that terrifying teenaged terrorist or that young person on a trashy talk show. We've heard of kids killing teachers, parents and each other, murder on the soccer field, guns in the playground right along with road and even "hockey rage." What's going on here? What's gone wrong in such a short space of historical time?

Yes, these are scary times for both parents and children. They are also frightening for teachers, grand¬parents, and communities of all sizes.

What we are witnessing now, increasingly, from the nineties and into the new century, are young teens and even children who, for different reasons, choose to hurt each other or even kill. Some discover guns in the household and take them to schools, playgrounds or the street to show, and then accidentally kill.

But others take the same found guns and kill with a purpose. In one incident a young teen in Connecticut killed a preteen and was quoted as stating, "just to see what it would feel like"; in another incident the shooter was only 6 years old, as was his victim!

There have been dozens of school shootings in the past few years. The Columbine and Santee High School massacres and other school-based incidents of violence scattered across the country have forever changed our view of the suburbs and towns that used to be considered safe havens from city violence. There is no question that this is a recent development, and there are many reasons to both deplore and explore this phenomenon.

Obviously, to prevent such behavior in an already developed and disturbed individual is very difficult. Few give outward signs that violence is coming, and, even if they do, we are suspended in disbelief because they appear to a normal, integral part of our smaller community settings (the family, school or neighborhood) and because they are young, presumably unsullied by world horrors.

In an attempt at prevention, some schools have begun to target children who behave like nonconformists in varying ways, but these, unfortunately, are not usually the perpetrators. The Columbine killers were academically good students with a group of friends, and did not appear outwardly to be angry, depressed or anti-social.

We have learned something about the Columbine murderers— that they appeared to resent their popular, athletic peers who received much of the positive attention of teachers and other students. Their feelings of inferiority may have pushed them to a deadly power play without regard even for their own lives. It seemed to be an "I'll show them" mentality taken to the extreme.

These events are far from the norm, of course. Yet, almost as shocking as these murdering youth are those who abuse their relationships, health, reputations and futures by leading careless and immoral lives.

More commonly, there appears to be a growing population of seemingly well bred young people who are viciously cruel to their less attractive, gifted, or talented peers. Showing no remorse for hurting the feelings of others, their behavior is extremely disturbing as well. Extremes of bullying and hazing activities are rather recent in the national news, and underscore this trend.

In general the lack of consideration, increase in materialism, and downright insensitivity of some of our young people is indeed disheartening.

At the very least, we are most assuredly experiencing a vast increase in the number of children who could be considered "spoiled." Is your child spoiled? In a Time/CNN poll (2001) it was discovered that 80% of people think kids today are more spoiled than kids of 10-15 years ago, and two-thirds admit that their own kids are spoiled.

Generally, the point is that there appears to be a frightening lack of character and self control among many of today's youngsters, a trend that is increasing as rapidly as the changes in technology. Is there a connection? Perhaps.

Could we have prevented Andy Williams (Santee High School killings, 2000) from doing what he did? Perhaps not. But, could we have prevented behaviors in those who taunted and teased this shy, sensitive, new kid at school, actions which drove him over a fragile edge? Most assuredly, Yes!

The approach to discipline described in this book is designed to help children develop a strong conscience that would prevent them from being the sort of person who would tease an Andy Williams. In fact, the Martin Method would not only promote the kind of person who would be nice to Andy, but also the kind of person who would defend him against his attackers.

The Martin Method is not just about disciplining your child, but using the occasion of discipline to promote the development of a strong conscience, one that will eventually automatically deliver to the child the rights and wrongs in times of question. Moral development leads to the development of conscience, and conscience guides us to our actions. Lack of conscience delivers actions that show disregard for others, while possession of it leads us to the consideration of others. This, I believe, is what has been declining in today's youth. We have reached a place where change in child rearing practices is a moral imperative.

Conscience can best be described as an inner voice that speaks to us to control impulses and assess consequences of our actions. Until developed, a child needs to borrow their parents' conscience to learn the differences between right and wrong. Keep in mind as you respond to your child's behavior that making the wrong choice is as important a factor in learning as making the right one, perhaps more so. As you will find, using these steps, it is through mistakes that the opportunity for learning and growth of conscience and self-discipline will occur.

The steps of the method become a tool, quite simple and easy to use, to assist your child in developing self-discipline, morality, and conscience without the use of punitive measures. An additional bonus is that, in using this method, you never need to feel out of control, angry, and frustrated with your child. Used properly and consistently, this method eliminates the need for these emotions. Parents no longer have to feel guilt about a rage directed toward their child, because they have this tool to use. The responsibility for the child's actions is put directly on the child, as are the consequences. The child comes to know this. In the Martin Method, the parent does not, generally, dole out these consequences, but rather the child "chooses" his consequences with his or her behavior.

This book is about moral development and conscience building in the raising of children. It is not religious in nature, but is a response to trends seen in the country by parents and educators of a decline in the kinds of thinking in our youth that lead to compassion, empathy and good judgment. What we know as selfishness, meanness, greed, conceit, arrogance, egotism, and lawlessness (to name a few undesirable traits) all have their roots in a lack of conscience. Conversely, what we know as integrity, character, courage, understanding, kindness, respect, consideration, decency and morality all result from a strongly developed conscience.

The Martin Method was derived from a compilation of my own experiences as a mother and teacher, research and discovery, and years of implementation with other mothers and teachers. The success we had prompted me to share the method with you parents who really care to raise children who not only are disciplined, but also have self-discipline, self-control, knowledge of how right and wrong affects others around them, and an inner moral compass to guide them through life. But, sometimes the most teachable moments occur when young children make observations about the differences they see, even when their comments may conflict with what we wish for them to think. And, just as most learning comes about through trial and error, making mistakes and correcting them, so too does the occasion for discipline give us a tremendous opportunity for providing lessons in moral development.

To read more, visit The Martin Method at Amazon.com