by Lyn S. Martin, Ph.D
The Martin Method Reviews
Amy Berry had this to say in a 2005 review in all of the Shore Publishing Papers:
In the parenting pendulum swing, we have found ourselves once again teetering at one end of the spectrum instead of grounded in the center.
In reaction to what some perceive as the over-strictness of parents of preceding generations, the ultra-lenience of many of today's parents is clearly backfiring, if highly rated TV shows like The Nanny and now Super Nanny are any indication. Strangers need to come into people's homes and corral completely out-of-control, egocentric kids while teaching the parents how to take back (or just take) control and try to salvage their families.
Another TV program with huge viewership, Dr. Phil devotes the majority of his shows to giving advice to parents of belligerent, boundary-less kids: from toddlers to teens, who are reaping what they've sown with offspring whose behavior ranges from annoying to downright dangerous.
Lyn Martin of Essex is disturbed by this trend. Martin has a Ph.D. in education in three related areas: educational psychology, child development and family relations, and curriculum. She has also raised two biological and two stepchildren over the past 24 years.
And so Martin devised her own method for raising emotionally healthy kids and published it in a new book: The Martin Method: Ten Steps to Building Conscience, Self-Discipline, Moral Maturity, and Nice Kids!
Martin designed her 10-step method when her children were 8 and 11. Following the Columbine shootings and a rash of school violence, Martin realized there was a larger need for this and expanded it into a book.
An important aspect of her method and what Martin believes is "we've been missing out on as parents today and a lot of what our grandparents did without having to read a book like this is if you make a mistake or a behavior needs discipline, have the child right the wrong and apologize to a person they may have harmed. And promise not to do it again. It really ingrains in the child the notion of shame or guilt-and letting kids not only own their behavior, but the consequences."
In addition to the importance of implementing consequences for bad behavior (loss of privileges, time outs, etc.) it's the concept of atonement, a promise to do better, and forgiveness that are the keys to Martin's philosophy because she says, "they are the building blocks of conscience, self-discipline, and ultimately, moral behavior as a way of life."
She says it helps to think of discipline as love.
"Kids want firm, low-key but in control parents," she says. "Kids who are misbehaving all the time are really asking for limits."
She also points out "the mistake we've made in the last 20 or 30 years is we've focused so much on self-esteem that we've created what I call false self-esteem, which more resembles narcissism than a healthy self-assessment."
This, she surmises, may have happened as some psychologists began to think adult psychological problems were the result of not enough love, enough hugs, as kids.
"But it backlashed-it went too far the other way: we must never, ever let children cry, never say they were wrong-but how does a child ever learn anything if we don't tell them, 'You were wrong'?"
She says by rewarding everyone indiscriminately with blue ribbons or praising every piece of artwork, or handing out gold stars for every small achievement in the classroom, kids don't get a healthy sense of competition, they're not going for a personal best, they're going after the star.
"What we're doing is we don't empower kids, we make them feel entitled. An entitled kid feels like the world owes him and may grow up to be an abuser...is easily frustrated, expects the world to bow down to him, and it's not going to happen.
"We learn a lot more from our failures than our successes and by not allowing children to fail, they're not learning self-discipline, humility, compassion," she adds.
But Martin also stresses that hugs and affection are integral to her method. After a child has righted a wrong, parents need to reassure the child that they trust him, believe in him, aren't angry. And that makes the choice to repeat the bad behavior harder and harder for the child.
"Anger, punitiveness, and fear of you isn't part of this plan," Martin says.
She believes her book is more helpful than many of the parenting books out there because "they may be full of great advice but no tools."
Martin clearly describes each step and gives case studies with each, showing parents how to specifically implement it for age groups: 2 to 4, 5 to 8, 9 to 12, 10 to 13, and 14 to 17.
In the end, Martin reminds parents, "Our goal is not to raise children, but to raise adults.
"If you allow [children] to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions," Martin says, "to be aware of wrong behavior, to acknowledge how their actions affect others, and make restitution for any negative effects of their actions, you will be guiding conscience every day.
And her book gives parents a practical, easy-to-follow, hands-on guide to doing just that.
In reaction to what some perceive as the over-strictness of parents of preceding generations, the ultra-lenience of many of today's parents is clearly backfiring, if highly rated TV shows like The Nanny and now Super Nanny are any indication. Strangers need to come into people's homes and corral completely out-of-control, egocentric kids while teaching the parents how to take back (or just take) control and try to salvage their families.
Another TV program with huge viewership, Dr. Phil devotes the majority of his shows to giving advice to parents of belligerent, boundary-less kids: from toddlers to teens, who are reaping what they've sown with offspring whose behavior ranges from annoying to downright dangerous.
Lyn Martin of Essex is disturbed by this trend. Martin has a Ph.D. in education in three related areas: educational psychology, child development and family relations, and curriculum. She has also raised two biological and two stepchildren over the past 24 years.
And so Martin devised her own method for raising emotionally healthy kids and published it in a new book: The Martin Method: Ten Steps to Building Conscience, Self-Discipline, Moral Maturity, and Nice Kids!
Martin designed her 10-step method when her children were 8 and 11. Following the Columbine shootings and a rash of school violence, Martin realized there was a larger need for this and expanded it into a book.
An important aspect of her method and what Martin believes is "we've been missing out on as parents today and a lot of what our grandparents did without having to read a book like this is if you make a mistake or a behavior needs discipline, have the child right the wrong and apologize to a person they may have harmed. And promise not to do it again. It really ingrains in the child the notion of shame or guilt-and letting kids not only own their behavior, but the consequences."
In addition to the importance of implementing consequences for bad behavior (loss of privileges, time outs, etc.) it's the concept of atonement, a promise to do better, and forgiveness that are the keys to Martin's philosophy because she says, "they are the building blocks of conscience, self-discipline, and ultimately, moral behavior as a way of life."
She says it helps to think of discipline as love.
"Kids want firm, low-key but in control parents," she says. "Kids who are misbehaving all the time are really asking for limits."
She also points out "the mistake we've made in the last 20 or 30 years is we've focused so much on self-esteem that we've created what I call false self-esteem, which more resembles narcissism than a healthy self-assessment."
This, she surmises, may have happened as some psychologists began to think adult psychological problems were the result of not enough love, enough hugs, as kids.
"But it backlashed-it went too far the other way: we must never, ever let children cry, never say they were wrong-but how does a child ever learn anything if we don't tell them, 'You were wrong'?"
She says by rewarding everyone indiscriminately with blue ribbons or praising every piece of artwork, or handing out gold stars for every small achievement in the classroom, kids don't get a healthy sense of competition, they're not going for a personal best, they're going after the star.
"What we're doing is we don't empower kids, we make them feel entitled. An entitled kid feels like the world owes him and may grow up to be an abuser...is easily frustrated, expects the world to bow down to him, and it's not going to happen.
"We learn a lot more from our failures than our successes and by not allowing children to fail, they're not learning self-discipline, humility, compassion," she adds.
But Martin also stresses that hugs and affection are integral to her method. After a child has righted a wrong, parents need to reassure the child that they trust him, believe in him, aren't angry. And that makes the choice to repeat the bad behavior harder and harder for the child.
"Anger, punitiveness, and fear of you isn't part of this plan," Martin says.
She believes her book is more helpful than many of the parenting books out there because "they may be full of great advice but no tools."
Martin clearly describes each step and gives case studies with each, showing parents how to specifically implement it for age groups: 2 to 4, 5 to 8, 9 to 12, 10 to 13, and 14 to 17.
In the end, Martin reminds parents, "Our goal is not to raise children, but to raise adults.
"If you allow [children] to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions," Martin says, "to be aware of wrong behavior, to acknowledge how their actions affect others, and make restitution for any negative effects of their actions, you will be guiding conscience every day.
And her book gives parents a practical, easy-to-follow, hands-on guide to doing just that.
Mrs. Joyce Uhlman, a 30-year Master public school teacher at all levels of education, reviews "The Martin Method":
I read The Martin Method with pleasure. It is one-of-a-kind in its approach in how to teach children to be good, secure, and happy children. I am impressed with the wisdom, logic, and presentation.
Dr. Martin briefly identifies problems and needs of today’s children and teaches us how to be good and happy parents with good and happy children. She identifies the positive personal attributes that result from a strongly developed conscience, attributes such as compassion, moral development, responsibility, and loyalty, just some of our goals as parents She teaches us to think of discipline not as a punishment but as a learning experience, a communication of love.
We all remember our favorite teacher, one who always treated us with kindness and consideration while being specific about behavior expectations and academic performance. We at least imagined what the consequences might be if we misbehaved, including the disappointment and loss of respect of a person whom we admired and wished to emulate. We knew what was expected of us, and we wanted to please and to perform appropriately. Having done that, we knew that we deserved respect and consideration from others. We knew we had value. We were secure.
Dr. Martin shows us how to have high expectations and how to instill in our children the positive attributes of strong and moral character. She acknowledges that negative stereotypes and adult role models abound, and that children sometimes emulate their behavior. She alerts us regarding what to watch for and sequentially shows us how to handle a child who acts out damaging or dangerous behavior. Her goal is to teach us how to be aware, responsible, and loving parents who can then help our children to develop the same positive attributes. Her examples are behavior-specific, appropriate, and they work!
The Martin Method is the best book of its kind that I have read, the best for families and professionals alike. It is simple, well-explained, definitely workable, and not cluttered with professional jargon. It is an easy read and an easy reference. Textbooks should be written with such consideration, warmth, and understanding.
Dr. Martin briefly identifies problems and needs of today’s children and teaches us how to be good and happy parents with good and happy children. She identifies the positive personal attributes that result from a strongly developed conscience, attributes such as compassion, moral development, responsibility, and loyalty, just some of our goals as parents She teaches us to think of discipline not as a punishment but as a learning experience, a communication of love.
We all remember our favorite teacher, one who always treated us with kindness and consideration while being specific about behavior expectations and academic performance. We at least imagined what the consequences might be if we misbehaved, including the disappointment and loss of respect of a person whom we admired and wished to emulate. We knew what was expected of us, and we wanted to please and to perform appropriately. Having done that, we knew that we deserved respect and consideration from others. We knew we had value. We were secure.
Dr. Martin shows us how to have high expectations and how to instill in our children the positive attributes of strong and moral character. She acknowledges that negative stereotypes and adult role models abound, and that children sometimes emulate their behavior. She alerts us regarding what to watch for and sequentially shows us how to handle a child who acts out damaging or dangerous behavior. Her goal is to teach us how to be aware, responsible, and loving parents who can then help our children to develop the same positive attributes. Her examples are behavior-specific, appropriate, and they work!
The Martin Method is the best book of its kind that I have read, the best for families and professionals alike. It is simple, well-explained, definitely workable, and not cluttered with professional jargon. It is an easy read and an easy reference. Textbooks should be written with such consideration, warmth, and understanding.